The Vast Lesbian Conspiracy

There is a coffee shop / used bookstore near my home called "OutSpoken". The owners, a pair of activist lesbians, are friendly and the internet connection is solid. I've started frequenting the place about three times a week to write for this blog.

Undercover in the lesbian cafe OutSpoken is also a local lesbian hang-out spot. While I sit nondescriptly in a corner partially hidden between a counter and bookshelves, customers come in and talk shop about what is going on in the gay community.

Since the cafe is only 900 square feet, I can't help but overhear many of these conversations. At this point, I suspect I know more gossip about Asheville's lesbian-scene than any other heterosexual male.

To say this has been an educational experience is an understatement. I consider myself an educated person about the politics and history of gender roles. I have many gay friends, including my own brother, so I'm hardly ignorant of the existence of alternative lifestyles.

Still, from my make-shift desk at OutSpoken, I often feel like a foreigner visiting a far-away tribe. Place a pith helmet on my head, and call me Dr. Livingston.

I hate to admit it, but I realized that I had a few stereotypes of lesbians in general. So, for everyone's benefit, here is what I've learned.

1) Most lesbians don't hate heterosexual men, they're annoyed at us. The stereotype is "angry" lesbian, but it's not anger - it's annoyance. And honestly, who can blame them? If you lived in a society that measured much of your worth by how willing you were to have sex with people you weren't interested in - wouldn't you be annoyed?

2) Many disputes and negotiations in the lesbian community are settled over herbal tea. Lot's of herbal tea. They do something called "processing" and then talk about the problem ad-nausea for hours, and hours, and hours, and hours, and hours, and hours ... you get the idea.

Heterosexual women also do this to a lesser extent, but the major difference is that lesbians do not put time constraints on these conversations. The issue either gets resolved, or they continue talking until their ears bleed.

3) Calling a "she" a "he". ~~This took me awhile to get used to~~ I'm still trying to get used to this - several of the lesbians prefer to referred to as "he".

I know a few men who also switch their gender title, but they dress in drag. Being a woman, donning a dress, and still referring to yourself as "he" is particularly revolutionary; since what it does is establish gender roles firmly in the realm of choice, rather than biology, fashion or social pressures.

4) Kids - lesbians have lots of them. I assumed that lesbians, by and large, would not be as copasetic to the idea of having children as heterosexuals. Boy howdy, was I wrong. Most of the lesbians who frequent OutSpoken have children. And frankly, from what I observe, they are doing a better job at raising them.

Quick example: I saw 6 year old pulling books from the shelves and throwing them on the floor. Rather then telling her son to stop it, the mother calmly asked: "Honey, would you like it if someone took all your toys and threw them on the floor?"

"No momma."

"Well, what do you think you should do?"

"Put dem back?"

"That's a good idea. I'll help."

No disrespect to heterosexual families - but THAT is good breeding. I've never seen anything like it.

5) The vast lesbian conspiracy: There is no vast lesbian conspiracy. Okay, this last point wasn't something I learned; all thinking people understand that there is no "Gay Agenda", like the religious right claim.

Still, it's interesting how ignorant most of us are about the rich sub-cultures that exist under our noses. The lesbian community is just one of many.

All you need to do to find a subculture is open your eyes to it. Or, find a hidden nook in a bookstore and listen.

Read counterpoint here.

Tags: lesbians - subculture - bookstore - cafe - coffee shop - gender - gay - Dr. Livingston, I presume?